Upside down, p.6
Upside Down, page 6
But she wouldn’t let me off that easy and scrutinized my bland expression until I cracked. “Fine, I’ll stop busting his balls,” I said, admitting to what Marco had claimed I had been doing. The hopeful expression on her face became a smack to the back of my head.
“Thank you.” She finally gave me a smile.
“Yeah, yeah.”
In my defense, I was a fixer. I needed to rectify wrongs. When Rebecca and Marco couldn’t see a way to be together, I’d come up with a solution to hide their affair from fellow employees. When they’d both been fired after my solution had been discovered by the executives of Sunset Cruises, I’d come up with another by starting our own business.
It was what I did.
If Rebecca were to know his truth, without a doubt she’d be his biggest supporter. It was a very lonely existence when those who loved you the most couldn’t see through the charade enough to help change life for the better.
The day I came out to my mother, I hadn’t been prepared for the sense of relief that not only comforted but also empowered me. The difference: I was ready to come out. It was my decision.
Regardless of the damage carrying such a huge secret created, he would need to be ready to admit to it. It was obvious that Cooper was not ready.
Right then and there I decided to back off. This wasn’t my story to tell. I made my point with Cooper, and if he wanted to talk about it or needed advice, then he’d have to come to me. And as I tried to convince myself of that, I ignored the twinge of something unfamiliar that I felt in my gut.
I liked Cooper enough to want to see him happy and resented what he pretended to be. That part was personal. I lived that scenario. I’d hate to be the poor sap who fell for someone like Cooper, getting lost in his charm, ridiculously handsome face, and perfectly sculpted body only to be dumped because Cooper wasn’t ready to admit the truth.
There were no guarantees that Cooper’s person would be a man, but if the possibility existed, then he needed to open that door.
It was a shame too. Contrary to what I told Cooper on deck he was just my type.
And there was that twinge again.
Rebecca’s attention focused on where Cooper was now chatting with our cruise director. “I recently found out he and Lara had a thing,” she admitted casually.
“What?” Realizing I sounded like a jealous lover, I quickly amended my tone by asking, “Oh yeah? When?”
“Our maiden voyage.”
Lara is a hussy.
She took a moment to gauge my reaction and misinterpreted it. “Please don’t make it a big deal. I know how you like to play matchmaker.”
“They don’t match well.”
“I agree,” she responded animatedly. “I had told him to not confuse regret over Riana with lust… and normally I wouldn’t encourage meaningless hookups, but… if it gets his mind off Riana…” She offered a shrug. “Why not?”
Again, there were a whole host of reasons as to why not. I remembered how hard he’d been last night when I’d touched him… this morning even after he discovered I’d been in his cabin. If it were anyone else, by now I would’ve taken it even further. My kiss wouldn’t have been as tentative as his. My body wouldn’t have kept a respectful distance. Without a doubt, I would’ve spent the rest of that evening with him in my cabin… and part of the morning.
“Hey, whatever floats his boat,” I said when I realized she was still staring at me.
Thankfully, she failed to hear the sarcasm. “I was looking forward to spending time with him for a few days after we get back, but he said he needs to fly home as soon as we do.”
“Why?” This time I allowed my disbelief to come through.
“Some mandatory staff meeting that popped up.” Code for running away from his problems again. “But he’ll be back in May once school’s done.”
That was ten weeks away, plenty of time for Cooper Stanton to fuck a few women, ignore his primal urges, and continue burying his head in the sand.
Sometime after the cake had been cut and served, I slipped out of the reception only to witness Cooper and Lara sharing a drink on deck. Just like last night, he had no idea I was there. But instead of a drunk trying to stand upright, tonight he was perfectly composed and sober.
As Lara chatted away, he nodded robotically while sipping what seemed to be a seltzer. Every now and again she’d lay a slim hand on his arm or lean in a bit too closely. Cooper would simply smile at her obvious flirting attempts with no reciprocation. Shocker.
Since I needed to walk by them to get to where I had planned to go, I emerged from the shadows and said, “Hello, you two.”
“Oh… um… hey, Ricky.” Lara subtly put some distance between them, adding, “We were just chatting.”
Cooper, on the other hand, decided to play it in an entirely different way, laying an arm across the back of her chair. “Calling it a night?” he asked as his fingers began twirling an auburn lock of her hair.
When Lara flinched at his touch, I couldn’t stop the chuckle. I tried… I really did.
Ignoring his annoyed glare, I said, “Yeah… but I have some work to do first.” I pointedly raised a brow when he started rubbing a hand down her bare arm. “You know how it goes when it’s all work and no play. Everyone needs to allow some playtime, don’t you think, Cooper?”
With her eyes on me, Lara recoiled a bit more and smiled nervously, assuming my comment referred to her. “Do you need me to take care of anything for you?”
“No, no. You relax.” I slid my gaze to him and smirked. “It’s so romantic out here,” I added, waving toward the orange orb as it set into the deep-blue horizon. “You might as well enjoy it. G’night.”
I didn’t need to turn around to know by now his arm was probably back in its place at his side. A few minutes later, I punched at the keypad on the door with a sigh and relished in the cool tranquility of my office. It was smaller than Rebecca and Marco’s, but I had a large picture window. Although watching the sun setting in deep-turquoise waters normally made it hard to concentrate, I considered it the only downside of my career.
Being part owner of RMR made it easy to get lost in some mundane task or another, and I used that excuse now to escape the Stanton clan. After my chat with Rebecca, hearing he planned to fly back to Jersey when we got back to Fort Lauderdale made me angrier than I had any right to be.
“I’m not his keeper,” I grumbled. “Whatever he decides to do with his life is his business.”
“This is true.” My head snapped toward where Cooper stood in the doorway. “Sorry, I was about to knock before you started talking to yourself.” I couldn’t stop my face reddening from embarrassment any more than I could stop my heart from pounding. “I assume the he you referred to was me?” And now it was his turn to chuckle at my unease. “Can I come in?”
Waving a hand toward him, I dug out my cockiness and shrugged. “Your call.”
He took a few tentative steps, paused, and decided to sit in the leather armchair across from my desk while taking in my office and the spectacular view. “Nice. This beats a stuffy classroom.” His eyes looked everywhere but at me.
Not in the mood for small talk, I waited for him to finally look my way before cutting to the chase. “What’s up, Cooper?”
I watched his Adam’s apple bob on a swallow. “I wanted to thank you.”
“For?”
“Helping me last night.” Well, that wasn’t what I’d expected him to say. “Getting that drunk was stupid and careless. I appreciate you making sure I was up on time today. It could’ve been a disaster.”
“Sure, no problem.” I offered a slow nod before asking, “That’s it?”
Instantly, my words caused his defenses to rise as he abruptly stood. “Yeah, that’s it. I’ll let you get back to work.”
Ignoring him, as well as the little voice in my head that screamed to let it go, I went on to ask, “No mention of you kissing me? Of the hard-on you sported after you did?”
When he stormed to the door, I assumed he was running once again, but instead he slammed it shut. Keeping the distance between us, he gripped his hips and barked, “What is it you want from me?”
“You’re not ready for that,” I easily replied.
“And what exactly is that? A relationship?”
“Definitely not… I’m just trying to help you be honest with yourself.”
“Why do you care so much? It’s none of your business!”
“You’re right,” I conceded, and he recoiled. Admitting why I did care so much would raise questions even I wasn’t prepared to answer.
I truly had no idea why I’d fixated on him the way I had. Maybe the lack of a relationship in my own life created some sick need to fix his. That seemed like me. And I could play that angle day and night, but that still didn’t explain why with each encounter I wished for a breakthrough… a miracle of sorts.
“I guess your confusion rekindled frustrations I had buried a long time ago,” I finally said. “I guess your insecurities hit home a bit.”
“They’re my insecurities,” he argued, and for the first time indirectly admitted what I’d been claiming. He realized the same, plopping back into the chair with a resigned sigh. “They’re my issues… all of them.”
“I can help you with them.”
“I don’t want you to help me. Forty-eight hours ago, my biggest issue was another breakup. And now…” Pushing back out of the chair for the second time, he began to pace like a caged animal.
“And now?”
He dragged in a huge breath and released it. “Now I’m attracted to a man for the first time in my life, and I don’t know how to fucking deal with that.” Tortured hazel eyes drilled into mine. “I don’t know how to process this.” With his admission came a jolt of compassion that I wasn’t prepared for. It was more than that, though. Something else, something deeper. Something that quickened my pulse and ignited my desire. Something that made me just as insecure as he was, even if in an entirely different way.
But when Cooper focused on my lips before adding, “I don’t know what to do, Ricky.” I knew exactly what I had to do. I couldn’t be a victim to his confusion, because when all was said and done, I simply couldn’t become involved with another man who wasn’t ready to reveal his true self.
As I slowly stood, he stopped in wait. “What you’re going to do is try to enjoy the rest of this trip, then go back to Jersey and take time to figure out what you want. No one can do that for you, Cooper. But if you don’t address it, can you ever truly be happy? In my opinion, you can’t.” I watched as he processed my words, adding, “If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.”
I had no idea what ran through his mind—if he resented me for being so blunt or appreciated what I hoped to accomplish.
After a slow series of nods, he gave me a half smile. “Thanks,” he said quietly, walking out without another word. And once I was alone again, I wondered whether it would be his heart or his head that dictated the path he eventually took.
Chapter Eight
Cooper
The last few days of our trip may have gone by without incident, but they also dragged along at a snail’s pace. As my family enjoyed the tropical pleasantries the Bahamas had to offer while celebrating Sam and Lydia, I was somewhat able to relax a bit in their company. And if I had to be honest, it was because Ricky opted out of joining the festivities.
I overheard Rebecca telling Marco that Ricky didn’t want to impose on our family time. Without him around, I acted more like myself… acted being the key word.
No one in my family knew that since the rehearsal dinner my thoughts had mimicked a frozen margarita in a blender—a splash of recklessness from kissing him, a shot of self-loathing for kissing him, and a good dose of confusion as to why I’d kissed him… all destructively churning in my mind. I could easily blame the alcohol I’d consumed that night, but that would be another way of kidding myself.
It was him. He’d managed to get under my skin… and I hated that he had.
Yes, the constant state of uncertainty I’d been trapped in was all on me. I was a twenty-eight-year-old man who no longer had a clue of who he truly was, and it fucking scared me to death. How did that happen? How did someone comfortable in his own skin, confident and self-assured in his life, suddenly question his sexuality?
I couldn’t blame Ricky for any of that, but I could blame him for the way he unapologetically assumed he knew me better than I knew myself. And… his damn insinuations that had thrown my world off its axis. And… his arrogant presence, searing blue eyes, cocky smirk… all of it fucked with my head.
It may have been cowardly of me to make up an excuse and fly to Jersey as soon as we docked, but I needed to get back to my world. One where I knew who I was, one where I felt safe.
Hypocritically, I spent the plane ride home reading up on bisexuality and scouring anything I could find on the internet. There were many stories of those who knew they were bisexual but denied it, afraid to embrace that label. And then there were just as many men and women who were oblivious to their attractions of the same sex until a person or a situation unleashed them. I even delved into many accounts of coming out and how it had affected lives.
No matter how many stories supported the confusions I carried, I still refused to admit they were anything other than just that—confusions.
Because… not gay.
Once I returned home, I forced myself to become engrossed in getting back to my routine and grading the rest of the papers I had yet to touch. Come Monday, I picked up the semester exactly where I had left off. The days went by quickly, with students wanting to discuss their midterm papers’ grades and the head of our department all gung ho, scheduling his typical rah-rah sessions. Even Kelly resumed her mission of seduction, still stuck on the assumption my breakup now gave her a chance.
Everything slipped right back to normal.
But at night, when alone in my bed while wide awake, nothing could distract the way my body responded to memories of his lips on mine. There was no sensible explanation as to why fantasies of what could’ve come after that kiss if I allowed it to progress caused my dick to swell. Those visualizations played over and over like a bad horror movie… one you were embarrassed to admit you secretly loved while scoffing at the absurdity of its plot. A contradiction to logic. And come every morning, I purposely ignored the way my cock screamed for release.
Like now.
I reached for my phone on the nightstand and groaned at the ungodly hour. Today was Saturday, which meant I would need to search hard for distractions over the next two days until back in my classroom. With Sam still on his honeymoon our weekly gym date wouldn’t happen. No reason to crash at my parents’ place since they were still in Florida. Most of my work colleagues were busy on weekends with their wives and kids.
Being a loner had served me well over the years, and I never had a problem walking to the beat of my own drum. I’d been that way since childhood. But the very thing I prided myself on now made me antsy.
And even if those closest to me were around, I had no one I felt comfortable enough to confide in. Besides, what the fuck would I say?
I kissed a guy, and now my head’s a mess because my traitorous dick liked it.
After a few cups of coffee, and a few mindless hours of channel surfing, I threw on my running clothes and headed into the frigid morning air.
The practically deserted boardwalk was a result of the early hour, the ominous sky, and the punishing wind whipping off the ocean… but the scenario perfectly matched my mood. I stretched for a few minutes and ran for close to two hours. The coastal landscape went unnoticed as my mind reeled with questions for which I had no answers. No matter how I spun my situation, the reality was I unexplainably was attracted to another man.
“Coop!” At first, I assumed hearing my name through the whipping wind had been a figment of my imagination, until I heard it louder and closer. Twisting around while slowing my jog, I saw Riana quickly approaching. “Hey,” she said through a brilliant smile. When a twinge of regret pinched in my chest, I realized I truly missed her.
“Hey,” I responded, throwing my arms around her the moment she reached me, surprising us both as my grip tightened and held.
“Wow,” she said when I released her. “That was quite a greeting.”
“It’s great to see you, Ree.”
“How was the wedding?” My smile faltered for a nanosecond before I schooled my features, but she caught it as her gaze searched my eyes. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
Unconvinced, she took my hand and led me to the nearest bench. “What’s wrong?”
Everything that was wrong sat poised on the tip of my tongue, ready to spew. But once out, there would be no turning back. My predicament affected her as well. It would devalue our time together, turn it into a farce, make her nothing more than a mask I’d worn to hide the real me.
Yet something told me she’d hold no judgment, and that alone had me wanting to confide in her.
As she waited for me to speak, a violent shiver traveled through her. “Ree, you’ll get sick out here.” We were much closer to her place than mine, forcing me to ask, “Are you just starting or returning?”
“I’m all done,” she easily admitted, but something in her expression told me she had just lied. Before I could challenge her, she added, “Let’s go to my place. I’ll make us coffee, and we can talk.”
Selfishly, and before I could change my mind, I accepted her offer with a firm nod. “Okay.”
While Riana made us coffee in her kitchen, I continued to flip-flop between confiding in her or not. Voicing my issue out loud would make it more real. As irrational as it was, I continued to blame Ricky. If he hadn’t come on so strong, none of what followed would’ve happened.
