Upside down, p.10
Upside Down, page 10
“Honey, I’m not sure dinner is a good idea,” Rebecca said to Marco the moment I reappeared. Antonio tightened his grip on Rebecca’s neck, causing her to rock back and forth. “You guys should go without us,” she then said to no one in particular, earning shocked gawks from three men.
Cooper and my reactions were understandable, but my guess was that Marco’s response meant he also thought his wife had lost her ever-loving mind.
“Why can’t Marco come with us?” I asked like a pathetic child.
“With Antonio so clingy, I’ll need his help.” What a liar. The woman refused help every chance she got. “You don’t mind, do you, Ricky?” she asked all innocent and clueless.
I’m going to kill her.
Weirdly enough, Cooper remained silent. Was this his idea? Did he want to speak to me in private? Apologize? Doubtful, since he had no idea that I’d heard him. Maybe he realized something and wanted to discuss it with me? Maybe… the situation was just what I needed to tell him to have a nice life?
Recalibrating my bruised ego, I flashed a saccharin smile. “Not at all.”
“Great.” Her eyes pleaded, “Don’t kill me,” as she placed a hand on Cooper’s leg. “I promise we’ll reschedule once Antonio feels better.”
“No worries,” he said with his eyes pinned on me.
Every pace I made back and forth across the paver-stone walkway caused my ire to worsen. Cooper was changing his clothes, and I needed to release my pent-up hostility.
By the time he appeared, in a pale-green button-down shirt that enhanced his eyes, and a pair of casual khakis that enhanced his long legs, I was good and worked up.
“We don’t have to do this,” he said the moment he closed their front door behind him. “I can go grab something to eat alone.”
“You’re right; we don’t.” I stalked toward my car. “But knowing your sister, she’ll call the restaurant, checking to be sure we’re there… and we do need to talk.” After clicking my key fob, I barked, “Get in.”
Luckily he remained silent during the six-minute ride to Simply Thai, during the four minutes we needed to wait as our table was prepared, and during the twelve minutes it took to greet our waitress, decide on our meals, and order.
No sooner had she walked away with the menus than I folded my arms and asked, “So I’m a prick?”
The color instantly drained from his face. “What?”
“You can’t identify as being a pansexual because I’m a prick… as in dickhead, asshole, public enemy number one. Any apply, right?”
His eyes widened the moment my point hit home, until a sly smirk lifted one corner of his sexy-as-fuck mouth. “Did you hear the rest of it?” he had the audacity to ask.
“No, hearing that was enough to confirm my stance that you have serious issues.”
“I do,” he easily admitted. When his eyes drilled through mine, I guessed just as he had deflected his denials by insulting me, he now tried to deflect his frustrations by patronizing me. Screw that. It ended now.
Ignoring his consent, I rambled on. “Yes, I’m guilty of holding up a mirror and forcing yourself to look at the real you. Mind you, any truths I revealed are not on me. Regardless, I recognized what you were dealing with. To some degree, everyone ever questioning their sexuality deals with the same… including me. I felt for you. I sympathized with you. And I meant it when I said I was there for you if you needed to talk. But now I’m retracting that. Blame the prick in me, but I’m done.”
I tried to focus on my anger and not on how sexy as fuck he looked when he folded his arms while never breaking eye contact, but it wasn’t working.
“Dr. Lair rambled a bit more about the dangers of labeling, to which I listened politely, although I was no longer interested in his lecture.” That I knew. That I’d heard. “It didn’t take him long to pick up on my reluctance to open up any further, so he requested that I answer just one more question with the absolute truth.” The pause that came felt like an eternity. Regardless, I continued to mimic his stance and waited. “He asked me to forget all else and just answer one thing. What did I plan to do concerning my confusion?”
Again, I waited… silently, not making it any easier on him.
What he was about to admit had clearly rattled him. The evidence lay in the way he raked a hand through his hair, glanced away, and finally looked back with a pleading expression. One that squeezed my heart with a newfound compassion while kick-starting my heart rate. “I said that I honestly didn’t know, but I admitted I couldn’t stop thinking of you, and that needed to be addressed.”
Well, fuck.
“Addressed how?”
“By spending time with you.” An audible swallow drew my attention to his Adam’s apple before I lifted my gaze to his lips and then to his eyes. “I want to spend time with you, Ricky… and I hope you’ll let me.”
Chapter Thirteen
Cooper
From the moment he walked into my sister’s house I knew something had crawled up his ass. Never in a million years could I have guessed it was what he’d heard me say on that damn radio show. But I stood by my admission, and by lobbing the ball in his court, I unleashed that deep desire I had buried for so many weeks… a raw urge that licked inside of me. It grew without warning and wanting to pick up where I had left off consumed me.
Seeing him for the first time in months only made things worse. If possible, he’d gotten better looking. The way he pulled off a basic white dress shirt and charcoal-gray trousers shouldn’t be allowed. And that watch. What the serious fuck? A watch on a man’s wrist was now turning me on?
Ricky always managed to look as though he’d stepped off the pages of a men’s fashion magazine. I had no doubt plenty of women had come on to him over the years, and strangely enough that only made him even hotter.
Clear as fuck, I could envision a connection with him. What form it took was still fuzzy, but the possibilities within reach unexpectedly slammed into my subconscious. If that didn’t prove I was undeniably attracted to this man, nothing would. Ironically, admitting it out loud caused an unexpected calm to swell within me.
Until he shook his head.
Stunned, I merely gawked.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he finally said.
The waitress appearing with our meals and asking a few typical questions provided the moment I needed to gather my thoughts. If this was his way of playing hard to get, I’d play. What options did I have? I meant it when I told Dr. Lair that I needed to figure it out, and the only obvious key to the equation was my unexplained attraction toward him.
Once alone, he picked up a fork and began eating as if he hadn’t just thrown a dart at my ego.
Ignoring my pad thai, I cut to the chase and asked, “Why?” The way I uttered that one little word sounded pathetic to my own ears, but for some reason it softened the hardness that had been etched on his handsome face.
He rested his fork on the edge of his plate. “Although I tried with five different relationships, I was only in love one time in my life.”
Love?
“Ricky, I’m not suggesting—”
“Let me finish, Cooper.” My nod prompted him to continue. “Corey and I met freshman year in college, instantly connected, and became great friends. We decided to share an apartment sophomore year. Yes, there was an undeniable attraction I felt toward him, which I tried to desperately ignore. Not surprisingly, it only grew stronger after living with him. But that didn’t matter, because Corey was straight. He proved that much by fucking a different girl every weekend. However, strangely enough, whenever we were alone, he sent me mixed signals—lingering stares, unexpected touches… an unsolicited kiss.”
Ah… I was Corey in Ricky’s eyes.
“In public he acted as if none of that ever happened,” Ricky continued while staring down at the table. “I understood. He wasn’t ready to come out. But since in private he held nothing back, I misread the signs and assumed he needed time. We grew closer and closer. We became intimate. He was the only man I let fuck me. He was the only man I let into my heart. And in the process, I fell in love with Corey.”
When Ricky lifted his eyes back up to mine, I braced myself for the truth that put all that hurt in his expression. Hurt that clearly hadn’t lessened in all the years since his first and only experience with love.
“The shit hit the fan when a few people assumed we were gay. I hadn’t come out publicly yet, but I wasn’t going to lie about myself. Of course he denied it while throwing me under the bus—and in doing so instantly changed my college experience. Eventually, the bigotry he festered in our circle of friends got to me, and after going home that winter break, I transferred to another school and never went back.”
“I’m sorry, Ricky.”
“Don’t.” He shook his head. “I don’t want your pity. I am the man I am today because of it, and I regret nothing. Lesson learned, and I never hid my sexuality from anyone or for anyone ever again. Corey freed me, to an extent. In a sick, twisted way, I kind of owe him. But another thing I vowed to never do again was allow myself to be used experimentally.”
Which was obviously what he suspected of me.
How could I blame him?
Fuck, no wonder he’d acted the way he had after I kissed him.
“So… to answer your question… that’s why,” he confirmed, as though we’d just discussed the weather and not his first heartbreak.
“Can I ask you a question?” I asked, somewhat hesitantly. He stared at me and nodded. “If Corey realized he made a mistake, would you forgive him?” His gaze sliced away as he lifted his fork to resume eating his meal. There was no need for him to respond. The answer was obvious. “You would.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he finally said. “It’s the past.”
Until now, I had naively believed any reluctance between us was on my part. I stupidly believed I had the wheel, and it was my decision to navigate us in a direction to seek clarity or not. Not once during my egotistical meltdown had I ever considered his backstory creating a roadblock toward discovering myself. And because of it, I should’ve walked away and let him be. He was right. I did have serious issues and dragging him into them was narcissistic on every level.
But I couldn’t bring myself to do that.
Clearly, he was who I wanted. And now that I’d made my decision to explore this thing between us, I couldn’t turn back. It hadn’t been a decision that I’d come to lightly. I’d finally opened myself up to figure things out, and I refused to allow the assumption he carried to derail what could happen between us. Neither of us knew what would be, but there was only one way to find out. And the bottom line was I needed him to do that.
How remained the question.
“Ricky.” I waited for his pale-blue eyes to focus on me. “I can’t guarantee one of us won’t get hurt. Christ knows I’ve done my share of hurting others because I wasn’t where they needed me to be. With you, I’d be willing to risk being the one getting hurt if it gave me clarity. It’s a chance I’m willing to take.” When he stared at me like I’d sprouted antlers, I rushed to strengthen my argument. “You yourself said you had no regrets because it made you the man you are today. That’s what I’m searching for. Answers. If we’re both honest with each other going in…” I purposely left my words hanging.
“Going into what?” he prodded, and for the first time that cocky smirk of his made an appearance. “Are you looking for a chess partner? A boyfriend? Or a fuck buddy? You need to be more specific.”
The sarcastic huff of air I released didn’t faze him while he chewed another bite of his cashew chicken, sipped his imported beer, wiped his mouth, and rested his fork.
Jesus H. Christ. Did I need to spell this shit out? Finding answers wasn’t worth giving him the satisfaction that clearly revealed itself in that arrogant expression… one that caused pulses of electricity to spark.
Who was I kidding? Yes it was.
He rested his elbows on the table and leaned close enough so I could see the navy flecks in his eyes. “I’m a sure thing, Cooper. If you’re asking me to take a risk on you, you’re going to have to convince me as to why I should.”
“Here?”
“No. That conversation needs to be in private,” he stated in an obvious manner. “At my place.” And when he ran his tongue over his bottom lip like a dirty invitation, the way my cock twitched made me afraid I’d do just about anything he wanted me to.
Ricky lived in a luxury condominium right on the beach in Fort Lauderdale… and I was jealous. Gym, pool, and concierge service made it more like a hotel than an apartment building. The place had to have cost him a fortune.
With an entirely different vibe than Rebecca and Marco’s home, this was an ultimate bachelor pad. A state-of-the-art kitchen that looked like it’d never been used opened to a ridiculously large living room. Floor-to-ceiling windows framing his balcony, which was as big as my living room in Jersey, sported a perfect view of the beach across the road. In the distance to the left, the port where his beloved ship docked between cruises was also visible.
Being in his space felt intimate on so many levels. And the anger that still radiated from him should’ve caused me to forget this entire evening, yet it did just the opposite. I wanted to know this part of him, the good and the bad. It was now or never. It was figuring it out or facing torment for the rest of my life.
Come August, I would return to Jersey with either closure or clarity.
Wordlessly, he leaned against the massive granite-topped island, watching me taking it all in.
“I’m pretty impressed.” This place made me feel as if I lived in squalor compared to him… which of course I didn’t.
“It’s just a condo,” he said, seeming embarrassed by it all. “It’s easy to have luxury when you’re left a fortune.”
I knew his dad had died when he was just a child, leaving his mother and Ricky with more than enough money to live comfortably for the rest of their lives. But what he, Marco, and my sister had accomplished with their business in just two years needed to be commended. “You should be proud of all you achieved despite that.”
“It’s also easy when you have amazing partners.”
“Marco told me the new executives are doing a fantastic job. That must be a huge relief. Takes the pressure off of you.”
“I won’t know what to do with myself,” he admitted with a shrug.
This diffident side of Ricky was one I’d never witnessed before, and I wasn’t sure if it was my presence in his home that had him on edge or what we needed to discuss. In fact, if either of us had reason to freak out, it should’ve been me.
Instead, this eerie calm came over me once I voiced out loud what I wanted. Never having admitted any of what I had to Ricky finally lifted a weight that had lain heavily on my chest for months.
Knowing now how my kissing him out of the blue had hit a nerve, I needed to let down my guard, and hopefully he would do the same. The reason I was there may have been my doing, but that didn’t make me any less nervous. I needed to draw from the arrogant Ricky I had accused of being a prick on live radio. Because that version of him I knew how to handle. This brooding-in-silence side of him created a different kind of tension between us that now bordered on being comical.
“You don’t host often, do you?” I asked, hoping to knock the chip off his shoulder. “How about a drink?”
Smugness hit when his lips twitched. “What would you like?”
“Surprise me.”
He slowly turned away and disappeared behind the door of his massive fridge. When he emerged with two ice-cold Modelos, it was my turn to suppress a smile at knowing that he’d again chosen my favorite beer.
“Here you go.” With a wave of his hand, he asked, “Balcony?”
“Sure.”
I followed him out and toward the two outdoor club chairs facing the beach. The balcony stretched across his entire apartment, and from where we now stood, I could see into his bedroom. Grays found in his bedding and black furniture all popped against the stark white walls. But what caught my eye, hanging above his bed, was a massive charcoal artist’s rendering of a naked man lying on his side.
“It’s not a self-portrait,” he said, catching me snooping. “Sit.”
Taking one of the chairs, I gazed through the glass railing that surrounded the entire space and gave an unfettered view. Sounds of the waves crashing in the moonlit night soothed my nerves. It was hot out, but not unbearable thanks to the breeze coming off the ocean.
“So this is your show, Cooper,” he said after a few long minutes of silence. “Why don’t you explain to me what it is that you see happening between us.”
Cutting right to the chase, I see.
“Beyond spending time with you, I have no idea.” He seemed affronted by my response. “What? I’m being honest.”
“Okay, I will be too. Do you know what I decided to do after hearing you call me a prick last night?”
I wanted to explain it wasn’t an insult. For whatever reason, that cocky arrogance that bordered on being an asshole turned me on. Not wanting to go there, I asked, “Punch my face?”
“Besides that.”
“Then no.”
“I planned on giving my fuck buddy Christian a call because I haven’t been laid in way too long, and an angry fuck would be just what the doctor ordered.”
The first visual packed a lustful right hook to my cock at picturing Ricky fucking some dude named Christian, but that was quickly followed by a twinge of jealousy that stung deep in my gut. He’d never know it when I said, “Go ahead and call him. I’d love to meet your fuck buddy.”
I stared at the view, ignoring his gaze drilling into my profile, until he said, “You’re playing a dangerous game.”
