Upside down, p.22
Upside Down, page 22
Closing the distance, I came up behind him, and he slowly turned. Our tethered gaze was the only thing connected between us, but it was enough. “I want you to be here.” All I got was a nod. Why would he make it any easier on me? “And… I know there is a fuck ton more for me to say… but… do you mind if I take a quick shower before I do? I still smell Liliana’s spit-up.”
“Yes, please.” His face cracked with a grin. The kid had gotten me good, a projectile of yuck into my hair, ear, and down my shirt. “Regurgitated breastmilk and dish soap don’t mix well. You stink.”
“Smart-ass.” I pressed my lips to his. “Open a bottle of wine. I’ll be out in ten.”
Once he nodded and moved past me toward the kitchen, I stripped out of my shirt while walking to my room. Seconds later, I was in the shower, washing away baby throw-up and planning a spiel in my head. This was going to be a long talk, and I wanted to be sure he understood everything I hadn’t said until now.
Seven minutes later, I sauntered into the kitchen in a pair of gray sweats and nothing else, because I knew how much he loved my dick print in them. Hey, I’d take all the help I could get for this daunting task.
Cooper stood at the island, sipping on a glass of merlot, and sure enough, his eyes zoned in on said dick print like a hawk seeing its prey. His perusal never failed to wake the fucker up, and the sooner we had this chat the sooner we could attend to his needs.
When I came closer to kiss his neck, he said, “Mmm… you smell much better.”
“Anything would smell better,” I countered, walking past him to grab the empty glass on the counter. Just as I began pouring wine for myself, my phone dinged on the island with an incoming text.
“That’s probably my sister making sure you didn’t drop me off at a hotel,” Cooper said, stepping closer to where my phone still rested near my keys. But when he casually glanced at the lit screen, the smile vanished, and his gaze met mine with an unreadable expression.
“What? Who is it?”
“An unidentified number asking you to please not hate them.”
I picked up the phone and silently cursed while he continued to stare expectantly. “It’s no one important.”
“Okay,” he said, negating the disbelief in his eyes.
“It’s Corey,” I blurted out. “And I warned I’d be blocking him if he didn’t stop.” Clearly, being thrown off along with my pathetic statement made me look guilty, but I had nothing to hide.
“Hey, it’s none of my business,” he said, but failed to disguise the hurt in his voice.
“Cooper, it’s not what you think.”
“What I’m thinking is I had no idea you were in contact with Corey.”
“I’m not.”
“So he’s texting you why then?”
“You’re cute when you’re jealous.” When his deadpan expression stopped my motherfucking sarcasm in its tracks, I scrubbed a hand over my face and groaned. “This was not what I wanted to discuss tonight.”
“Okay. Well, things happen for a reason. So why don’t you enlighten me on this first?”
“I ran into him in Indiana when I picked up dinner from the steak house. He was with a guy and was surprised to see me. He tried to make small talk, of which I didn’t reciprocate. When he said it would be great to get together and catch up, I shut him down and told him to pretty much have a nice life.”
“He was with a man?”
“Yeah. They had their arms around each other. It was obvious they were together, so, apparently, Corey has figured his shit out.” When his brows rose in question, I added, “I don’t know why he keeps texting me.” I didn’t. “Maybe he’s going through some twelve-step thing. I don’t know.”
“He’s been texting you since our visit to Indiana two weeks ago?”
“No. His first text came this past Sunday.”
“Today is Friday. So if I hadn’t seen your phone…” He left the words hanging. And I knew… right then and there, no matter what I said, it would come off the wrong way.
Chapter Thirty
Cooper
“I would’ve told you,” Ricky proclaimed, but nothing in his demeanor backed up that statement.
“Wait.” Then something occurred to me as I lifted a finger. “The night you picked up dinner at the steak house,” I repeated. “The night we fucked in your room for the first time. That night?”
Wide-eyed, openmouthed silence came until he finally said, “Yeah.”
“The same night you needed me… or so you claimed.”
“I did need you.”
“Gotcha.” I nodded and folded my arms. “To fill an unexpected urge? Wasn’t Corey the only man to ever have fucked you?” I then asked, antagonizing him and not caring a damn in the process.
“No. It wasn’t like that. I swear. What we shared that night was me and you… no one else. It proves how much I care about you.”
A long pause stretched, as hard and steely as my gaze. “Can you understand why I would think otherwise?”
There were so many holes in that story, I felt my stomach churning. Not once had I questioned Ricky’s loyalty, and I wasn’t the drama-seeking type. I hated this crap. It wasn’t my thing… ever. But seriously, what the fucking hell?
He topped… always. He admitted as much to me during one of the first nights we became intimate. He also admitted Corey was the only man ever to be inside him, that until he met someone he truly cared for, that would be something he held close to his chest. I got that. It was why I felt so special in Indiana… the same night he’d seen his ex.
And I was supposed to believe that one had nothing to do with the other?
Not once did I have drama in any of the heterosexual relationships that I floundered my way through. Was it because this one was so very different? Did it come with the territory of being in love? If so, fuck this shit… who needed it?
I had no clear idea what any of this meant. Getting any information out of this man was like pulling teeth. And because of this discovery, a tiny seed of doubt began to grow roots, nestling itself into the layer of confidence I held on to in our relationship. But like a chip in a windshield, with time it could spread into a well-defined crack reaching from edge to edge.
“Cooper…” He said my name in exasperation. “Corey is insignificant.”
“Bullshit, Ricky.” Shaking my head at that blatant lie, I countered, “He is significant enough that you kept your run-in to yourself… and the fact he’s been texting you. He’s significant enough to make your dick hard enough for you to insist we take our relationship to the next level, in a way you hadn’t since you were with him.” He looked away with a huff while his silence infuriated me even more. “Look at me.” Slowly, he brought his tormented eyes back to mine. “Is it insignificant that whenever thinking of our first time I will now always wonder what prompted it?”
This news tainted our union… one that had been special to me until this very moment. I would now forever link that night to a faceless prick who obviously still had his tentacles wrapped around Ricky.
“This is stupid, Cooper.”
“Stupid or uncomfortable?” Not expecting an answer, I barked, “Either way, tough shit.” One way or another, I’d make him answer me. “Who was it you were with that night, Ricky? Me or Corey?”
“You. I was with you!” His face twisted with anger. “All I felt after seeing him was disgust. Seeing him meant nothing. His texting me means even less. He’s clearly trying to make himself feel better, and I’m not giving him the opportunity. This is his issue, not mine.”
“Okay… I guess I need to take your word for it.”
Something in my comment caused him to snap as he snatched his phone up and jammed a finger on the screen.
Once he had Corey’s short text thread open, he handed me the phone. “Go on. Read them. I have nothing to hide. The day that first text came through I couldn’t believe the gall on that motherfucker… and I instantly shut him down.”
Reluctantly, I read the communication from top to bottom.
Ricky, it’s me… Corey.
How the fuck did you get my number?!
Cedric. After seeing you, I asked him if that was you I saw from afar and would love to reconnect. I gave him enough details of your life to prove that I knew you.
You don’t know me… you never did.
I deserve that, but can we talk on the phone? If need be, I’ll come to you. It’s important to me to apologize properly. Life went to shit after that year. I’m trying to make amends with all the mistakes I’ve made.
Not my problem. But consider this text as me accepting your apology. So now that’s out of the way, please lose my number, or I will block you.
No response had come after that last text on Sunday… until now when he’d asked Ricky not to hate him. Some of my suspicions dissipated, but none of what I read accounted for his urgent need that I fuck him that night.
When I looked up, he said, “See? He’s not an issue.”
I placed the phone down and sighed. “I trust you, Ricky. This has nothing to do with me thinking that you’d up and fuck him.”
“So we’re good?” He moved closer, only to be stopped by a raised hand.
“Keeping all this from me, combined with giving me no indication of what you’re feeling, is the real issue.”
“Well, then let me say what I’ve been practicing all day.” He took my hand and dragged me over to the couch. Forcing us both to sit, he twisted to face me full on. “I feel the same way you do.” The smug smirk on his face meant he was proud of himself. “I have for a long time.”
“You’re right. I can understand why those two sentences needed a ton of practice.” Jesus Christ, this man and his constant deflecting to me. “Is that it?”
“No. There’s more.” He took my hand between both of his. “I love you, Cooper.” Shit, I’d waited to hear those words for so long, but now they held lighter weight. It all seemed a touch disingenuous after that unfortunate truth had been revealed. I hated feeling that way. This was huge for him. At my reflective silence he continued. “Every annoying, logical, baffling inch of you. I love you.” When I still hadn’t responded, he prompted, “Say something.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
“But?” I ignored the subtle clench in his jaw and forged on.
“But… I wish I knew that sooner.” Because I’d never know if he’d finally said it out of guilt—but I kept that to myself. “Ricky, again, I have no concern it’s Corey you want. But I can’t wrap my brain around the fact he spurred something in you. Before we started, you avoided my question when I asked what you would’ve done if Corey were to come back into your life. And now he has, and I’ll never know whether that need of yours came from regret, resolve, or confusion.”
“I’m willing to prove to you it wasn’t any of the above. He’s the past.” He placed our hands over his heart. “That need came from here, Cooper. And I want us to pick up where we left off and forget this.” When he leaned in to kiss me, I kept it chaste and pulled away. I wasn’t there, and Ricky gave me the space with a firm nod. “Okay, where do we go from here? Tell me.”
“I think we have some loose ends to address before we can figure out what happens from here.”
Ricky
“I don’t have any loose ends.”
“Yes you do,” he challenged, and like an idiot, I stared at him. “I think it’s best I head back to Jersey to figure out my shit, and you stay here to figure out yours.”
“I’m confused.” I stood to pace the room. “I say I love you, and you think it’s best to leave?” I asked, frustrated beyond belief. Gripping the back of my neck, I stared at the ceiling and sighed. I’d just poured my soul out and hated it wasn’t enough. Fuck Corey. Cooper was the best thing to happen to me, and I refused to let that motherfucker ruin it. “What more do you want from me, Cooper?” No response forced me to look at him, and I wasn’t prepared to see him so exhausted.
“I want you to be a participant, Ricky, not a spectator.”
I stopped pacing and faced him head-on. “What the hell are you talking about? I’ve been in this with you since day one.”
It was Cooper’s turn to sigh as he stood. “Before we even began, yes, you’d been very vocal with your opinions—accusing me of living in denial, burying my head in the sand. It was easy for you to tell me what I should be doing, how I should be acting, when it didn’t involve you. It took months for me to slowly realize you were right. I had been in denial my entire life. And a bigger part of the puzzle was why I’d been so inexplicably drawn to you. But once I figured it all out, it didn’t take me long to accept my truth.
“And I didn’t hastily come to the decision that I wanted you. Yet when I said as much, you still questioned me at every turn. How could I be sure I wanted you? How could I so eagerly tell my parents? How could I be sure I was indeed gay? I attributed your doubts to your past, all while proving over and over again I was all in. Maybe my progress scared you? You no longer could put it all on me, blame my confusions, my denials.”
“You know why I needed to be sure that you were sure. I couldn’t handle another man using me as he experimented with his sexuality.”
“I get that,” he quickly responded. “But can you see the irony? After pushing me so hard to face my own insecurities, it was you who then went silent on me once we came together. And now, after months of silence, I’m still waiting for you to be present.”
“Fine, it took me long to admit it, but I’m telling you now I want us to work.”
“Okay? How? Tell me what you want happening between us.”
“Cooper. You yourself said you had loose ends to tie up.”
“And I do,” he admitted. “But that is my issue and my unfinished business. And it has nothing to do with us.” His eyes remained steadfast during his delivery. “What you need to do is figure out where you want us to go from here.”
“Where I want us to go from here?” I repeated, clearly not prepared for that question. Again, I stared at him, dumbfounded. “So the ball is in my court?”
“Hasn’t it always been in mine?”
“For obvious reasons. I’m gay. You weren’t. I can’t tell you to move here, Cooper. I can’t tell you to give up everything and face resentment down the road.”
“Using my situation as the excuse for every damn thing we’ve been through no longer flies with me, Ricky. Sure, none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t gone through my self-discovery, but as far as I’m concerned, that’s water under the bridge. I’ve proven I’m in. It’s time for you to grow a set and decide what it is you want out of this relationship.”
“And saying I love you doesn’t accomplish that?”
“No… it doesn’t. It’s about time you tell me what you want for us.”
He was putting it all on me. And maybe in a few months, I’d be able to tell him to give it all up for me. “How can I do that knowing what you still face once you get home? This could all be in vain.” He claimed he was all in, but he had no way of truly knowing that until he recalibrated and settled back into his real life. Not this honeymoon, of sorts, we’d had in Florida.
“And there you have it,” he said with a sad smile. “You still don’t trust my decision. You still think something or maybe even someone will have me changing my mind.”
Fuck. He was absolutely right.
Feeling defeated, I plopped in a chair, staring at my hands. “Well, tonight didn’t go as I planned.”
“No, but maybe Corey appearing out of the blue is the universe trying to get us to take a breather. We both knew this day was coming.” He came to where I sat and squatted between my spread knees. “This break will be good… for both of us. Without the hot sex, maybe we can use our other heads to gain clarity.”
“I like using sex to gain clarity,” I argued.
“I’m well aware.” He leaned up and kissed me before adding, “Thank you for loving me… even though I kind of knew you did.”
“Did you ever give me a choice?” I asked.
“I can argue the same for you.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Cooper
I did end up staying the night at Ricky’s, using the time to just be together. We stayed off the topic of our “loose ends” and refrained from sex. We did mess around, taking it back to the early days, when experimenting provided deliciously torturous foreplay. I think Ricky did that on purpose… satisfying my need just enough, yet leaving me with a vulgar hunger to take back home with me.
But come morning, reality set in. He seemed to be equally distraught, delaying my exit with lingering embraces and scorching kisses. For his benefit, I put the stress of figuring things out on both of us, even though he needed to steer our future. How long it would take would remain to be seen.
We agreed to give each other the space we needed. Being away from him would be my own special purgatory, and when I finally walked out of his condo, my chest hurt to the point I almost ran back in, forgetting all my concerns.
Until our heart-to-heart, I had considered moving my life there. Except for my parents, who were on the cusp of buying near Rebecca’s place for winters, and my brother, who was a workaholic, there was nothing keeping me in Jersey. Impressed with University of Miami’s English department, I had applied on Rebecca’s insistence after we’d returned from Indiana.
But knowing he still didn’t trust the shift in my sexuality meant that until he did, I’d be staying put. Having that come-to-Jesus moment with Ricky explained why he’d been holding back all along. His heart and body may have wanted me, but his head waved the same red flag as it had while with Corey.
My last day at Marco and Rebecca’s sucked for so many reasons. Getting her to understand why I was leaving early was not fun. She resorted to every tactic, even reminding me my apartment was still under a Life Swap contract, one that I’d purposely had expire at the end of July just in case this very situation happened… the need to leave Florida, specifically. Making it very clear she wasn’t on board with our separation, she did all she could to convince me to stay. Admitting I had fallen in love with Ricky but still needed time apart to work things out was what had her finally backing off.
